Just 10 days ago

I have a personal tradition that while I fold laundry, I ask the Lord to bless the person who gave us the piece of clothing (And yes, most of our clothing, especially the kids, has come from a generous friend!) and then as I sort the laundry and place the items in their perspective piles, I ask the Lord to bless the child who will be wearing them. I know this practice is one of the few ways I can repay those who are so generous in remembering us. So while I'm folding and praying I came upon a baby item too small for AJ. As I held this little onesie close to my heart, I realized I have a lot of emotions regarding this lost baby that I'm probably not dealing with yet.

My days are too busy to be falling apart or full of the blues. And so I try to hold things together all day long....but in the quiet of the late night, I have more trouble holding that stiff upper lip...and find these lips quivering and tears rolling. I looked at the calendar....I wanted to see how my life has changed so dramatically in so short a time.

Just 10 days ago was my 45th birthday. I was filled with happiness that day. My DH (which on most birthdays or other gift giving holidays, the DH doesn't stand for darling husband, but rather *ick Head! Tim loves me with his whole heart and I know that, but the gift thing has never been important to him and I usually get nothing at all.) has totally blown me away by sending me the most beautiful flower arrangement, with my very favorite flowers....I got a huge bouquet of daisies, with a dozen red roses mixed in!! I felt so very special!! God had chosen me to have another child. I was 45 and expecting my 12th child, and I felt so blessed!! I grew up in a family with 12 children, 6 boys and 6 girls. And if this new baby I was carrying was a boy, and I truly believed that it was, then we would have matched that feat....12 children with 6 boys and 6 girls. My dad had made this comment when I called to tell him I was pregnant...how wonderful it would be if our family could do the 6 & 6 thing. I just felt so special!!

The next night my darling took me out to dinner. We had an absolute wonderful time, dining with a couple whom we are very fond of. This seemed like the best birthday I have ever had!! The kids were wonderful and lovingly excited about Mommy's birthday. I felt like I had my own little slice of heaven right here on earth.

But then the next evening I noticed the tiniest, slightest shade of pink on the toilet paper. It was hardly even noticeable, much less worth mentioning....but I did tell Tim that I thought I might be spotting. Throughout the next week, I continued to have a very small amount of blood, only visible on the toilet paper.

To be continued....